Saturday, June 29, 2013

Cat Spit Missterees-- Epuhsode 1, by Mr. Bob Buttons, Esq.

Chapper 1: Cat Royultee
It wuz a dark & stormee nite. Teh man ov teh hows, a  hansum gray striped tabby wif a regul pink nose, sipped his cat nip tea from his porslun cat dish. His nem was Mr. BobButtons, and he wuz cat so-sytee's goldun boy: Debbinair, cat-abot-town. Him wuz also super slooth in hiz spare time. If cat so-sytee membas needed a missteree solved, Mr.Bob wuz tehr go-2 guy.

Mr. Bob had all kines ov cat toys at his hiss-pozawl. He had hyoomin staff fur purviding his evury need. All he hadda do wuz clap his paws 2gedder. Sum sed wuz cat royultee--deesendint ov Egyptshun cat kings. But Ai digress.

Chapper 2: Teh Interloper
Wile teh real-rayne continued owtsides, Mr.Bob sipped his catnip tea & enjoyed a epuhsode ov Burn Notice on his big screem TV. Suddunly, he heered teh arrivul ov teh fambly car. He smelld his favrit staff--teh wun who gits his breffass, knowd ez Mom. But, whut iz tihs? He smelld sumfing berry diffrunt. He smelld [dramatic myoosik--Dum dum DAAAAH!] a skranger!


Teh skranger wuz big & Urnge. He did not talk much. Mr. Bob sed 2 his staff,  "Git him sumfing 2 eat. But dont use mai bowl. He kin stay ez long ez he stays outta mai way."

"Fank yew, Mr. Bob Buttons, sir." sed the staff--& tehy bowed & skraped ez Mr.Bob excused tehm frum the room. 

And so fur days teh skranger stayed & he hided in teh wash room & sumtiems he sleeped on teh bak ov teh sofa wiht teh staff. Slowly he becomd moar brave & begind 2 walk moar freely abot Mr.Bob's kingdom. Tehn him eben sleep in plays ov ohner at hed ov bed wher staff sleep at feet (but staff fink cats iz at feet ov bed).
 Mr.Bob hav 2 wurds 2 say abot tihs: "Not cool." But big Urnge skranger hav no udder plays 2 stay so Mr. Bob wiht gud & open hart let him stay. "Jus' stay ur big Urnge tail on TAHT side ov mai bed & dont cross ober to mine."

Chapper 3: Cat Spit
If deer reeder duzn't know, cats stake claym by rubbing tehr mowf on stuff tehy lieks. Taht let udder cats know whut belongs. Mr. Bob had his rubs on ebbrting in his kingdom. Iz Mr. Bob law.  

"Bermember, tihs mai kingdom. Ai jus' lets u liv heer. Mai cat rubs iz on ebbrting. U kin smell wher Ai rubs teh side of mai mowf. If u smells taht, DONT tuch b'cuz iz MINE!"

So Big Urnge skranger go play unner kichen tabul &unner bed wher Mr. Bob haz no intiriss & wher Mr. Bob sez he kin stay there fur playing & napping.

Tehn wun day it happun! Wors kays sunario: Free, count 'em, free catnip mowses smell liek anudder cat's spit! Tihs will not do! Mr. Bob Button's Cat Law iz broked in his own kingdom! 

"Who did tihs berry bad fing!" say Mr. Bob. Tehre wuz no anser frum nobuddy. Hmph.

Nex day tehre was cat spit on side of teh frig and on wun of Mr. Bob's favrit napping spots on the luv seat. Cudnt ax staff to help b'cuz tehy didnt seem 2 unnerstan, so Mr. Bob hadda go remark all his own spot. BUT he cudnt cover teh cat spit on teh toy mowses. Tehy wuz jus' tooo, tooo sachrayted. Evun teh mowses Mr. Bob hided unner teh sofa from staff.

"Hey, Big Urnge! U knows ennyfing abot tihs?" Mr. Bob ax. Yooshally he not talk 2 Big Urnge unless he in teh way--to tell him 2 git owt of teh way.

"Oh mais non ,M'sieur Bob!" He say, liking his chops. "Dont know nuffing abot taht! Mebbe iz taht cat waht walk across teh bakyard tout le temps. "
Such dill-lemma! Mr. Bob iz upset. He contemplake teh kingdom owtsides & ax staff to look owt tehre fur anudder cat. But staff iz not alweys smart. Taht iz why tehy is staff. 

"Ai kno!" sed teh Urnge wun, "Ai go owt tehr wit u, M'sieur Bob. Ai help u patrol the perimetre. We will see wher dis cheer udder cat haz been ober u kangdom an chase him off & cover him smells."

"Gud ideer fur Big Urnge dummy!" say Mr. Bob. He sit bai catio door & yoos mentul telepathy 2 git staff to opun. Mom staff goed owt 2 wurk on  Mr. Bob's kingdom garden at twilight wile Mr. Bob & Big Urnge scout bakyard.

[Stay tuned for Epuhsode 2 ov Cat Spit Missterees---Coming soon! Saym cat time, Saym cat stayshun! ~Bob]

Monday, June 10, 2013


How wud u liek fur sumbuddy 2 ampyoo-- amee-- cut off teh ends ov ur fingers fur saving tehr furnichur? Mai feets has nebber been rite since mai preevus howshold had me declawed. Winston runs betta tehn Ai duz but he haz side effects also.