Cat Spit Misseries--Epuhsode 1, Part Free

Chapper 6: Sumfin Skwurly

Hansum, wunnerful, debbinair, jeenyus, jenrus cat-abot-town, Mr. Bob Buttons wuz in kwandry abot whut wuz happnin' fur 2 git spit on his cat toys wat wuz not his spit. Big Urnge, teh cat w'at wuz brot 2 his kingdom, hepped him innerview Stubby Kay teh Skray, a cat wiht haff a tail. Big Urnge wuz tryin' 2 hide Bob's toys frum teh Evul Skwurl Brudders hoo had sumhow got inside teh manchin & tooked Bob's cat toys. Tihs is wher teh story lef' off. Now u iz cot up on preevus chappers. Reed on. 

 

"Big Urnge, we will git hyommin staff 2 open doors so we kin kech tehm Evul Skwurl Brudders urly n teh moarnin; fur interrogayshin!" Mr. Bob promeownsd.

Nex moarnin Bob saw teh Evul Skwurl Brudders unner teh oak tree n teh bakyard ov hiz kingdom. Wun ov tehm wuz nex 2 teh bush eatin' Bob's acorns wile teh udder wun wuz keepin lookowt on teh trunk ov teh tree.

Mr. Bob mooved N closer. "CHEE!! CHEE!!CAT! CAT!" skreeched teh swurl on teh tree.

"Look, Evul Skwurls," sed Mr. Bob. "Ai duznt wanna chase u 2day. Ai jus' want mai toys bak."

"Wha'?" sed teh evul skwurl unner teh bush. He had mooved closer 2 teh tree.

 

 

"Cat is tryin' to trik us cuz he knos he cant kech us!" sed teh skwurl on teh tree. "Come, come come come, Brudder! Less go!"

"Up the tree! Up teh tree! Wher teh cat cant folla me! Silly cat! Has no claws!" an' he run up teh tree wiht his evul brudder. Frum bottom branch tehy tawnted Mr. Bob. "No claws! No claws! CHEE CHEE!"
"LOKK YOU IJITS! AI JUS' WANT MAI TOYS BAK WIHTTOWT YER SPIT ON TEHM!" Bob skreemd.
"Silly clawless cat!" sed wun ov teh brudders. "U kno skwurls dont play wiht cats' toys!"
"Yah!" giggled teh udder brudder."U is tryin' 2 trik us 2 come down tehr so u kin kech us! Ha! We's 2 smart fur U!"
Tehm Evul Skwurl Brudders run off fru teh trees doin' skwurl giggles n sech ez teh crossed ober 2 teh nex yard and teh wun affer taht, and on till Bob cud not see tehm no moar.

Mr. BobButtons sighed. "Tehm evul guys iz kumpleet ijits. W'at do u--"
Bob stopped mid-sentuns as he ternd arown fur Big Urnge...

Chapper 7: Big Urnge, MIA

Bob ternd arown & fownded taht Big Urnge wuz not behine him ez planned. He called fur staff 2 let him bak inside manchin.
Mr. Bob calld fur Big Urnge.
"Ai am up heer," him sed from bak ov sofa.
Bob hop up  on sofa to look at Big Urnge face-to-face. "U wuz s'posed to be rite behime me wile Ai kweschin Evul Skwurl Brudders! Wha'happin?"

"Oh..um, Ai git tired an need nap," sed Big Urnge. Him lik inside ov paw. Bob notice him wuz breeving hard.

"Why R U breeving so hard? Did U run all teh way bak 2 manchin from bein skerrd ov Evul Skwurls?" Bob axed, wiht his hed ternd sidways. Him wuz finking, Stoopid Big Urnge skerrdy cat!

"Um, yah, taht's it," purred Big Urnge. It wuz a sleepy purr. Tehn him restd his big urnge hed on his front paws an cloze his eyes. "If u dont mind, Ai am reddy fur moarnin nap."
Big Urnge skreched and yawned.

"But what abot mai toys! Ai mus' fine tehm!" Sed Mr. Bob. "Mai invessigayshin iz not dun!"

"Oh, fa sho M'sieur Bob" yawnd Big Urnge. "U iz so smaht. U iz bestes invesstigater. If ennybuddy kin fine tehm u will. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

"Hmmmmm," Fot Mr. Bob. "He iz rite wiht his big silly urnge self. Ai am Mr. Bob Buttons, masser ov mai domane!"

Tehn Mr. Bob heerd a sown ov Greenie treets bein'sprinkleded in hiz food bowl bai staff.

"TREETZ!!!" him showt. Him run 2 kichun fur noms.

TEH END

Cat Spit Misseries--Epuhsode 1-Part 2

Chapper 4: Interrogating Furs Suspek Stubby-K

Mr. Bob, wunnerful hansum & debunnare cat, wuz in a quandry ez 2 whut wuz goin' on wiht al teh cat spit on his cat toys. Noo roommate, a big urnge cat, wuz helping him scowt teh mansion perimeters fur teh skray cat whut sumtiems crossed teh territory ov his kingdom.

"Wayt!" Big Urnge stuk owt hiz paw. "Ecoute! Heer dat? Mus' be Stubby-K teh skray!"
 Bob lissened & heerd skrachin in teh weeds behine teh kingdom fence. It wuz indeed Stubby. He wuz a skray cat whut had haff a tail. Sumtiem staff lef' dry food at edge of kingdom fur him. 

"Come on owt, Stubby!" called Mr. Bob. Stubby peek owt from behine a bush.

"Look, Ai duhwan no trubbuls frum u 2day, Bob." Stubby growled.

"Nah, Ai not chasing u off 2day," sed Bob. "Ai jus' wanna know if u haz been in mai hows labeling ur spit on mai stuff lately."

"Hmph! R U kiddin'?" Stubby scoffed. "U know ur staff skerrs me! Ai onlee gits to teh edge ov teh kingdom fur food tehy leevs affer all u guys goes bak in!"

"Pish! A likely story!" sed Big Urnge. "Me, Umma bat u hed!" Big Urnge stomped his paw on teh grownd & Stubby disapeerded fru teh bushes an' wuz gone. "Skerrdy cat," Mumbled BigUrnge. 

"Wayt!" sed Mr. Bob. "Ai not exkyoos u! Ai haz moar kweschins!"

Jus' tehn staff call to say supper iz reddy & Mr. Bob & BIg Urnge run bak 2 teh mansion.

Chapper 5: Big Urnge Haz Ideer

Ez ushual Big Urnge gulped down hiz dinner an' wuz done in a flash. Mr. Bob took hiz tiem fur eeting becuz he eets polite an' is royultee. Tehn him deesided 2 recline in teh fambly room fur grooming and waching Burn Notis folloed bai NCIS. Ez he enterd teh room, much to hiz surprise he saw Big Urnge taking a fuzzy toy mows frum unner the sofa.

"Hey! Big Urnge! W'at R u doin'?!" Bob inkwired
'"Um...uh.." Big Urnge mumbuld. He dropped teh mows so he cud say: "Mais, M'sieur, Ai am moving teh mowsie so taht...um ...Stubby cannot finds it if he shud sneek into tihs house agin. Mais oui, taht's whut Ai am doing!"

"Oh... Ai see," sed Mr. Bob fotfully rubbing his chin wiht his paw. A fot camed 2 Mr. Bob's fabyoolus brane.  "Dont moov! Stay rite there, Big Urnge." He strolled to teh kichen an tookd a look et Big Urnge's food bowl. Tehn he sniffd it. Ah HA! Famillyer smelling cat spit!

"Hey! M'sieur Bob! Ai hav anudda ideer! Mebbe dem evul Skwurl Brudders been gittin' in heer!" sed Big Urnge.

"Hold it!" sneered Mr. Bob. "Lemme smell taht mows, Big Urnge."

"Wha-- why sho--Hey!" sed Big Urnge. " Oh, mon dieu! Taht mows, she be gone!"
"What?!" gasped Mr. Bob.
"Yah, taht mows Ah jus' had done disappeerd!" sed Big Urnge as he looked round. "Taht sho wuz fas' ov tehm evul Skwurl Brudders!"

"Grrr! Tohse Evul Skurls!" Bob growled. "You jus' wayt! We'll git staff 2 opun teh door so we kin hav a talk wiht tohse evul guys!"

[Part Free (3) ov Epuhsode 1 of Cat Spit Misseries will be heer b4 u kno it! ~Bob]

Cat Spit Missterees-- Epuhsode 1, by Mr. Bob Buttons, Esq.

Chapper 1: Cat Royultee

It wuz a dark & stormee nite. Teh man ov teh hows, a  hansum gray striped tabby wif a regul pink nose, sipped his cat nip tea from his porslun cat dish. His nem was Mr. BobButtons, and he wuz cat so-sytee's goldun boy: Debbinair, cat-abot-town. Him wuz also super slooth in hiz spare time. If cat so-sytee membas needed a missteree solved, Mr.Bob wuz tehr go-2 guy.

 

Mr. Bob had all kines ov cat toys at his hiss-pozawl. He had hyoomin staff fur purviding his evury need. All he hadda do wuz clap his paws 2gedder. Sum sed wuz cat royultee--deesendint ov Egyptshun cat kings. But Ai digress.

Chapper 2: Teh Interloper

Wile teh real-rayne continued owtsides, Mr.Bob sipped his catnip tea & enjoyed a epuhsode ov Burn Notice on his big screem TV. Suddunly, he heered teh arrivul ov teh fambly car. He smelld his favrit staff--teh wun who gits his breffass, knowd ez Mom. But, whut iz tihs? He smelld sumfing berry diffrunt. He smelld [dramatic myoosik--Dum dum DAAAAH!] a skranger!

 

Teh skranger wuz big & Urnge. He did not talk much. Mr. Bob sed 2 his staff,  "Git him sumfing 2 eat. But dont use mai bowl. He kin stay ez long ez he stays outta mai way."

"Fank yew, Mr. Bob Buttons, sir." sed the staff--& tehy bowed & skraped ez Mr.Bob excused tehm frum the room. 

And so fur days teh skranger stayed & he hided in teh wash room & sumtiems he sleeped on teh bak ov teh sofa wiht teh staff. Slowly he becomd moar brave & begind 2 walk moar freely abot Mr.Bob's kingdom. Tehn him eben sleep in plays ov ohner at hed ov bed wher staff sleep at feet (but staff fink cats iz at feet ov bed).

 Mr.Bob hav 2 wurds 2 say abot tihs: "Not cool." But big Urnge skranger hav no udder plays 2 stay so Mr. Bob wiht gud & open hart let him stay. "Jus' stay ur big Urnge tail on TAHT side ov mai bed & dont cross ober to mine."

Chapper 3: Cat Spit

If deer reeder duzn't know, cats stake claym by rubbing tehr mowf on stuff tehy lieks. Taht let udder cats know whut belongs. Mr. Bob had his rubs on ebbrting in his kingdom. Iz Mr. Bob law.  

"Bermember, tihs mai kingdom. Ai jus' lets u liv heer. Mai cat rubs iz on ebbrting. U kin smell wher Ai rubs teh side of mai mowf. If u smells taht, DONT tuch b'cuz iz MINE!"

So Big Urnge skranger go play unner kichen tabul &unner bed wher Mr. Bob haz no intiriss & wher Mr. Bob sez he kin stay there fur playing & napping.

Tehn wun day it happun! Wors kays sunario: Free, count 'em, free catnip mowses smell liek anudder cat's spit! Tihs will not do! Mr. Bob Button's Cat Law iz broked in his own kingdom! 

"Who did tihs berry bad fing!" say Mr. Bob. Tehre wuz no anser frum nobuddy. Hmph.

Nex day tehre was cat spit on side of teh frig and on wun of Mr. Bob's favrit napping spots on the luv seat. Cudnt ax staff to help b'cuz tehy didnt seem 2 unnerstan, so Mr. Bob hadda go remark all his own spot. BUT he cudnt cover teh cat spit on teh toy mowses. Tehy wuz jus' tooo, tooo sachrayted. Evun teh mowses Mr. Bob hided unner teh sofa from staff.

"Hey, Big Urnge! U knows ennyfing abot tihs?" Mr. Bob ax. Yooshally he not talk 2 Big Urnge unless he in teh way--to tell him 2 git owt of teh way.

"Oh mais non ,M'sieur Bob!" He say, liking his chops. "Dont know nuffing abot taht! Mebbe iz taht cat waht walk across teh bakyard tout le temps. "

Such dill-lemma! Mr. Bob iz upset. He contemplake teh kingdom owtsides & ax staff to look owt tehre fur anudder cat. But staff iz not alweys smart. Taht iz why tehy is staff. 

"Ai kno!" sed teh Urnge wun, "Ai go owt tehr wit u, M'sieur Bob. Ai help u patrol the perimetre. We will see wher dis cheer udder cat haz been ober u kangdom an chase him off & cover him smells."

"Gud ideer fur Big Urnge dummy!" say Mr. Bob. He sit bai catio door & yoos mentul telepathy 2 git staff to opun. Mom staff goed owt 2 wurk on  Mr. Bob's kingdom garden at twilight wile Mr. Bob & Big Urnge scout bakyard.

[Stay tuned for Epuhsode 2 ov Cat Spit Missterees---Coming soon! Saym cat time, Saym cat stayshun! ~Bob]

DECLAWING SUCKS!

How wud u liek fur sumbuddy 2 ampyoo-- amee-- cut off teh ends ov ur fingers fur saving tehr furnichur? Mai feets has nebber been rite since mai preevus howshold had me declawed. Winston runs betta tehn Ai duz but he haz side effects also. http://www.declawing.com/

What You Need To Know About Declawing - Declawing.com

www.declawing.com

Declawing: What you need to know. Detailed, Factual, In-depth, information to educate you in your decision

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  BobButtons Michael Mom finks Winston's 1st home gave him up 2 CAAWSBR Bcuz of littabox avershun due 2 declawing. She retrained him & givved him his own speshul box fur a while Bcuz we iz bofe boys. Now we haz teh same box but he still hurries & don't "flush" (cover) b'cuz teh litta bodders his feets. Ai haz also showed him teh poo spot in teh bakyard. (He iz big boy wiht big poo. Jus' bermember DECLAWING SUCKS! W'en iz cold--even summer in aircondishning, owr feets gits sore: http://www.ehow.com/list_6966088_long_term-side-effects-declawed-cats.html

  

  Long-Term Side Effects for Declawed Cats | eHow

  www.ehow.com

  Declawing is more than a kitty manicure. To declaw a cat, a veterinarian must am...See More

  
  
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Hey! Ah wuz tekkin' a good nap. Whoddat at teh door? HAHA! It's a Mr. Bob Buttons lock out! BAHAHa!!! Oh, hai, Mom. Ah wuz jus' tellin' Bob to stay calm bcuz sumbuddy wuz gonna let 'im in. Created with PhotoShake for Android

The Joys of Adopting Older Pets

Good morning! I'm Bob and Winston's mom and I just wanted to stop in to post a serious essay on the joys of adopting older pets. Serious. I'm wearing my serious face as I type this. Believe me, it is a really serious face.

First, I like to take pictures of the adventures of the boys. Bob doesn't like to have his picture taken so he usually stops doing the cute humorous things once I take out my camera. Then he glares at me and says, "OK, enuff wiht teh pikchurs." This attitude he has learned from his Poppa. Seriously. Winston doesn't care as long as he has food and gets an hour's worth of chin rubs each day. That is all he wants. Ever. Except maybe a squirrel which he cannot catch because his previous family had him declawed.

He was able to bring me a lovely black and white moth from the back yard and a palmetto bug which had crawled under the patio door after a rain. No. I take that back. he doesn't share his palmetto bugs. Instead he used to play with them in the hall until the legs fell off. That's when I would find a legless and often headless bug in the hallway and Winston would give me a look that says: "Oh. Furgot about that. Since he ain't movin' no more, you kin hav him." I have since installed a weather strip under that door to save the limbs and lives of hapless palmetto bugs. Yeah, that's the ticket--I'm saving palmetto bug lives.

The  adventures of Mr. Bob Buttons and Winston Henry---the ones I can and cannot photograph---are such fun. Hopefully some of their antics will encourage Bob's readers to adopt an older pet from a shelter so that they, too can have fond older pet adventures. I have to share today's with you.

Actually, Mr. Bob Buttons has been very busy hanging with his Poppa and watching the Burn Notice marathon. Meanwhile, Win has had to go to the vet today to have his teeth cleaned. This involved
him being squeezed into the soft pet carrier (while I thought I could hear Bob chuckling) and having to stay there all day until the anthes--anesth--- until the "knock out" meds wore off. There is a residual effect for the rest of the evening--meaning, Winston is still a bit loopy from his procedure.

After I dropped Win at the vet, Poppa told me that he and Bob had such fun. First there was the morning nap. Then, Poppa said Bob suggested they go to Burger King at about 11:30. He said Bob thought it would be a good joke if he drove through the drive through. "Immajum teh look on teh cashiers' face!" Poppa told Bob that that was not a good idea because Bob is not on our insurance as an approved driver. Perhaps this summer after he's had a driver's ed class and earned a  permit.

We live not far from the zoo so they went there after their after lunch nap. Bob wanted  a snow cone at the zoo but Poppa knows he never finishes them. So he got a bag of popcorn instead--which Bob shared with the elephants and the lions. Sometimes we can hear the lions' roars from our front yard. Bob was so glad to meet them in person. He introduced himself and told them he was a big fan of their broadcasts. Poppa said when he turned away for a bit, he could have sworn that he saw the lion and Bob exchange raised paw salutes and he thought he heard Bob say, "Solidarity! Free Timba!"

On the way home, Poppa needed a few things from the grocery. Bob stayed in the car. When Poppa came out of the store he heard all kinds of racket. Bob was making faces at two weimaraner  dogs in the neighboring parked car and the dogs were going nuts! Bob was laughing his head off at them and they were barking their heads off with dogfanities.

"Come on, Bob. Let me get you home!" Poppa said. Then they both ate something fried because I wasn't home to stop them and they took an afternoon nap. About that time I came home with drugged out Winston in the pet carrier. I poured Win out of the carrier and he slid under the kitchen table. I was sure Bob was snickering behind his paw.

I asked Poppa not to forget to feed them while I ran to a meeting and that they should watch Win who was still woozy from the sedation at the vet's.  During a commercial break, Poppa went out to smoke and Bob followed as usual. They left the patio door slightly open behind them.  A few seconds later, an orange streak ran out  between them and across the yard squealing, "Squiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrreeeeeelllll!"It was Win. He tripped over a branch and rolled over on his back and just lay there under the oak tree. "Ooooooo. Ah see skwurls up der!"

Bob looked at Win, then up at Poppa. "Wat a ijjit!"

When I got home from my meeting, Poppa and Bob were finishing up the Burn Notice marathon and preparing for dinner. Winston was on the patio staring at a potted plant.

There are many adventures to be had from adopting an older pet. There are eight million stories in the naked city. This has been one of them.

FOOD!!!

Y'all know how much Ah luvs food! Affer all, Ah'm a sowt Loozanna cat! AAAIIIEEEE! Mah mom med diseer video abot Looozanna food fa sum skool enfants. Enjoy!
~WHM

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